I'm cool, I'm hot....I'm everything you're not.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I`m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me.
If you think I'm a bitch, you should see my mom.
Take my advice...I don't need it anyways.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Your village just called... they want their idiot back!
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Never do anything that you wouldn`t want to explain to the paramedics.
Stupid statistics cost american companies 30 zillion dollars each year.
Moblie phones are the only subject on which men boast about who`s got the smallest.
I never appoligize! I`m sorry, that`s just not the way I am.
If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk.
Time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas.
Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn`t brain my damage.
What happens if u get scared half to death twice?
If Barbie is soo popular...how come you have to buy her friends?
I'm Blonde...what's your excuse?
Earth first. We`ll screw up the other planets later.
The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo.
Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass.
Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
You were so cute when you were a baby...What happened?
My folks were always asking me to wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
Three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Would you kindly shut your noise-hole.
I'm calling the police!... Right after I flush some tings.
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Don`t be open-minded, your brains might fall out.
Why doesn`t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Anarchists of the world, unite!
A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can`t.
An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead.
My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Lower the age of puberty!
Booze is the answer. I don`t remember the question.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Superman is a travestite.
Drinking is the answer, I don`t remember the question.
All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?
You don`t buy the drink here, you only rent it.
Why don`t sheep shrink when it rains?
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven.
You and the bank own a very lovely home.